you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
