Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
