Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I could make wine with my vomit
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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