Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
