i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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