I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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