So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
