My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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