gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
