I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
