my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
