Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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