WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
