Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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