Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
