hell yes lets make some ravioli
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
