Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
