1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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