the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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