I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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