Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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