You're my little dorito
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
40s are totally the cure
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
