shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
