Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Wipe that smile off your face.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜