hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I keeping finding meatballs in random places