I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
