I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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