ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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