Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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