you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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