I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
