saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
we're so committed to being not committed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize