I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
