1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So how was he last night?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank