The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
