I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
