I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
