I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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