I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
