Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
