remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
