How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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