Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
