Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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