Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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