Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
