Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
