70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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