Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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