some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
