The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
