My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
