I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize