Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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